I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
