My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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