Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
