hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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