ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We're not piercing ourselves today.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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