Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
