omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
