I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
