I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
