I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
