Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize