i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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