There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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