the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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