So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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