His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Im part way to drunk.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
