Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
We don't watch enough power rangers
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
