Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
