If that was your dad, he is hot
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
