Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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