His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
