I'm going to rape someone's good day.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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