hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
