He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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