I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
