I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
