It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
