3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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