No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize