TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
