I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
