Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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