Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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