my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
