the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
