Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
