dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
