i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Randomize
