found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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