i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
