If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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