she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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