Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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