I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
