i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
