Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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