I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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