Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
