You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
