oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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