I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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