I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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