somebody snuck up and got me drunk
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
