Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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