You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
