I molested 6 butterflies tonight
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
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