We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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