I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
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