I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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