Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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