This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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