This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I need to wash the frat house off of me
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
