I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
