OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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