OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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