her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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