..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize