Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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