i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
