Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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