apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
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